Eventhough I don't even know who reads this blog anymore. At least I do..
Well, I haven't written for a while, even though I have a lot to write. But I hesitated. Facebook is a place to write, but you let strangers go into your personal life if you do write too much. Twitter? I am no longer active on Twitter, and too much word limit. Eurgh. Instagram? Totally not a place.
Well this place is perfect. So let me just pour my heart out.
Two weird things happened to me today.
1. I saw the picture of the guy I used to have a crush on at the board just below my office. Yes, he used to study there and it kinda brings back the memory, of liking someone, doing something special for someone to finally have your heart broken and his heart taken by another girl he likes.
It hurts a lot. But this happened 8 years ago. Two years ago he called me, asking me to forgive him for how he broke my heart. I was 18, and a fool.
We became friends again on Facebook few years back. He graduated from Australia, and is currently working. That's the only thing I knew from his posting that came across my timeline. Rest than that? We're good just existing on each other friend list. So anyway, nothing striked me until I got my second story.
2. I saw my ex commenting on a friend's instagram and I decided to stalk my ex. (Yeah, me being the creepy ex stalking). I haven't been in touch, or heard anything about him since we broke up 4 years ago. It was a bad breakup. We had the biggest fight ever, and probably end up hating each other so much. At least that happened to me. I hated him so much I wish I don't have to see his face ever again. And to this day, when something reminded me of him, my heart burns in anger. I still couldn't forgive him.
Then I saw his posts on Instagram today.
He got married.
He found the love of his life.
He looked very happy with his wife.
He posts were really sweet towards his wife.
And he told everyone how perfect she was.
Then my heart got confused. Was I jealous? Was I angry? Was I longing for what we used to have?
No. I am married and I am perfectly happy living with my husband. We had two beautiful years together and counting.
Then what am I feeling?
I actually felt good. I realized, our relationship didn't work out, because both of us were not meant for each other. We bring out the worst in each other. We don't support each other's dream. We couldn't accept each other's personality. If I am the lock, he was never the key! So no matter how hard he tried to get into my heart, it makes everything worst!
So why should I be angry for all the things that didn't work?
If it wasn't for the break up, I wouldn't have end up with the guy who's always supported my dream, who's always there when I laugh and when I cry, who did his best everyday to me happy.
If it wasn't for the break up, he wouldn't found someone who accepted him the way he is, despite knowing his deepest, darkest secret and still accept him. I wasn't that person who could accept his past and his status.
We just won't work. So it was both of our fault. Or it was none of our fault.
I was probably mad, because I've never gotten his sincere apology. We've never had any closure. All we're left is the bitter memory of our break up - all the shouting, and fighting, and blaming each other, and crying.
But when I think back about it. I never apologized either. I had my ego too high, thinking I wasn't the one to blame. I blocked him on all social media, and ignore every effort he did to contact me back. It was my fault too.
So after 4 years, of keeping all this anger inside me, of trying so hard to forgive him but I knew I'd be lying to myself, of remembering all the moments I've been hurt - I can finally let go.
I CAN FINALLY MOVE ON.
I can break free from this hatred that surrounds my heart.
To the ex that broke my heart, hope you live a happy life with your wife.
I will live happily with my beloved husband too insyaAllah.
|Sky in manila|
To the memory that forever will stay a memory.
To the future that never intended to happen.
To the two fools that were never meant to be.
Goodbye for good. :)